


Bury My Love in the Moondust

by with_beauty



Series: Moondust [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Friendship/Love, Implied Poe Dameron/Finn, Implied Poe Dameron/Finn/Rey, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-15 23:49:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5805103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/with_beauty/pseuds/with_beauty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There is no passion, there is serenity."</p><p>Rey tries to take the Jedi Code to heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bury My Love in the Moondust

**Author's Note:**

> This title comes from the song "Moondust" by Jaymes Young, which is the inspiration for the fic. I highly suggest you check it out (especially the stripped version).

It was nearing nightfall, and Master Luke had left for his usual evening meditative walk, leaving Rey alone in the stone buildings on the far side of the island. She appreciated the solitude; it felt almost like her evenings alone on Jakku. Over the past few weeks, she had taken the opportunity to explore her surroundings, climbing over the rough rock faces and staring down into the terrifying waves of the ocean. But she had long since scoured every inch of the island’s surface. And with nothing to occupy her before her nightly comm from Finn, she couldn’t help feeling a little bored.

That was how she found herself standing on the low step in front of Master Luke’s dwelling, wrestling with her curiosity about what was inside. She had been training with the man for almost a month now, but she had never seen his room.

Her own was depressingly barren. She had brought hardly anything with her when she first came, only some spare clothes that Leia had given her and Luke’s lightsaber, tucked into her satchel. There weren’t even any flowers on the island for her to pick; Master Luke had told her it wasn’t the right time yet for them to grow. So, the stone shelf that lined her room remained mostly empty.

Rey wondered what Master Luke might have accumulated during his time here, or if he had accumulated anything at all. He must have found _something_ interesting to keep. She pushed back her shoulders and opened the worn wooden door that led to his dwelling.

It was dimly lit inside, the dying light of the sun filtering weakly through the tiny window in the wall. The blankets were drawn neatly over the bed, and the floor was swept of debris. Rey looked up to the shelf that matched her own. It wasn’t as full as she’d imagined, but there were different items scattered along it.

She reached up and pulled down a tool set, full of tiny precision instruments. They were dark and rusted, as though they hadn’t been used in a long time. Here was Master Luke’s lightsaber, stowed carefully above the foot of his bed. Then a stack of leather folders. Curious, Rey lifted them to the bed and sat to open them.

As she slipped her hand into the first one, her fingers brushed over a smooth, crackly surface. She gasped, sliding the folder’s contents out onto her lap. When it was laid across her knees, all she could do was stare.

She had only ever seen flimsiplasts used for old-school schematics, and those had been so rotten and water-eaten they had hardly been of good use. But now she held in her hands a whole flimsy book, the binding at the edges still preserved. She gaped at the first page. Emblazoned across the middle was the title, “ _The Code of the Jedi Knight_.”

Rey was astonished. Why had Master Luke never shown her this? Surely a Jedi code would be important in her training. She swiped her hands on her legs to wipe away her sweat before daring to turn the page. The flimsy rustled under her fingertips.

“ _Such is the Mantra of the Jedi Code:_

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

_There is no ignorance, there is knowledge._

_There is no passion, there is serenity._

_There is no chaos, there is harmony._

_There is no death, there is the Force._ ”

Rey lingered over the words, chanting them silently to herself. She wasn’t exactly sure what they meant, but they seemed to hold weight. She could almost feel them hanging in the air around her. She flipped to the next page, hoping that the mantra would be explained.

The text of the old book was dense, and Rey struggled to make sense of it. She flipped through pages of ornate language and metaphors that she had no reference for, frustrating in their complexity. It wasn’t until the section on the “Third Truth” that she found a thought she could easily understand.

“ _It is forbidden for Jedi Knights to form attachments to others, whether by romance, marriage, or familial ties. Such passions will lead surely to a Jedi’s downfall, and turn them to the Dark. There shall be only serenity and peace._ ”

Rey felt a shock run through her. She leaned forward to read the sentences a second time, but before she could, she heard the clatter of Master Luke’s walking stick on the steps below their dwellings. Her eyes flew open wide, and she rushed to put the book back in its leather folder. As she stuffed the stack of folders back onto the shelf, she knew that it was too late to try to escape Master Luke’s room. He would have sensed her here; she was certain. She spun around once, in a panic, and lunged for Luke’s clothing chest just as he appeared in the doorway.

“Rey?” The old Jedi looked baffled.

Rey turned from the open lid of the chest and bowed slightly, struggling to control the pounding of her heart. “Master Luke. I – I’m sorry; I was cold. I was hoping you’d have an extra cloak.”

“Oh! Yes, it should be there on the top.” Master Luke stepped forward to pull a heavy grey cloak out of the chest and deposited it in Rey’s hands. His brow creased. “Are you still having a hard time adjusting to the climate here?”

Rey felt terribly guilty for making him worry for no reason, but forced herself to nod anyways.

Master Luke hummed in sympathy. “I remember how it was for me leaving Tatooine. It’s difficult adjusting to other worlds after living on a desert for your whole life.”

Rey nodded again. Master Luke studied her for a second.

“Are you all right, Rey? You seem anxious.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted as his hand flew out to grasp her wrist.

“Oh, that’s right,” he said. “Your comm from your friend should be coming through soon shouldn’t it? Go on then, I won’t keep you.”

He gave her a little push, sending her stumbling out the door. She hurried to her own room, not trusting herself to look back at him, and slumped into the seat in front of her comm unit. She had jerry-rigged it from the _Falcon_ ’s onboard unit when Master Luke had asked her to stay to train, so they could keep in touch with the base on D’Qar. Chewie hadn’t been happy, but Rey knew he could easily build a new one back on base.

Master Luke rarely used the unit, which is why it was housed in Rey’s dwelling, but she had wanted to be kept up-to-date with Finn’s condition. Poe had dutifully sent her nightly comms, until a week and a half ago, when Finn’s own voice had come across on the transmission. Rey had almost cried with relief. She wished that she could build a holo projector, so that she could see him, but she didn’t have the materials or the time. So she settled for listening to him chatter every night about his day and his progress with physical therapy. And she would send a reply in turn, telling him about the training she was receiving and what new things she had discovered on the island.

Occasionally Poe’s voice would join in on Finn’s transmissions, helping him elaborate on the details of events or telling his own stories, and that made Rey happy. She was glad that Finn had another friend that could keep him company while she was away. But she couldn’t help the little knot of jealousy that settled under her diaphragm when she heard them laughing together about something they had done. She longed to be able to share Finn’s experiences too.

The comm unit chirruped in front of Rey and she excitedly tossed Master Luke’s cloak to the side. She reached out for the blinking red light, but just before her finger pressed the button to start the transmission, she stopped herself, thinking back to the Jedi Code she had just read.

Master Luke had always seemed fine with her nightly comms, but she had never told him how she really felt about Finn. How fast her heart beat just listening to his voice. How she thought she might love him.

According to the Code, that was wrong. If she wanted to follow the path of a Jedi Knight, she couldn’t let herself feel that way. Maybe that was why Master Luke had isolated himself on this island after Kylo Ren’s betrayal. Maybe he thought he had become too attached, that his relationship with Kylo—Ben—had caused the tragedy. They had been family, hadn’t they, and the Code forbade familial ties.

Rey wrapped her arms around her ribcage. She couldn’t let something like that happen because of her. She wouldn’t.

She would – she would bury her love for Finn; end it before it had even really started. She would let him live a happy life on D’Qar, with Poe, and she would stay away.

She felt her breath heave in her chest.

Why had Master Luke never told her? Perhaps it was supposed to be a test. Perhaps she was meant to find the Code and realize the rules by herself. Master Luke had never tested her like this before, but the rest of her training was progressing past the basics, so why shouldn’t she be challenged in other areas?

She would do this. She had to. To become a true Jedi—to keep Finn safe—she had to keep her distance.

Rey watched as the blinking light of her comm unit began to blur. It let out a second chirrup, and she burst into tears.

She didn’t know how she’d be able to keep this up. She knew she had to stay away, for Finn’s sake, but it hurt. It hurt so much already.

She reached out for the display again, her hand shaking. She had to hear his voice again, if only one more time. Her fingers pushed the start button down.

“ _Hi, Rey!_ ” came Finn’s voice. “ _How are things going over there? I miss you. I wish you could come home soon._ ”

Rey’s shoulders shook with sobs. She tried to keep quiet, to hear Finn’s message, but she couldn’t help the ragged sounds of her crying as the transmission continued. He was so bright, so full of life. She hoped he wouldn’t be too upset by her distance, that he’d accept it eventually and move on. She wanted him to be happy.

When the comm ended, she stayed hunched over in her chair, too exhausted to turn it off. The unit automatically rewinded the transmission and began to play it again. Rey let it go, let the sound of Finn’s voice surround her again.

Usually, Rey would have sent an immediate reply for Finn to listen to before he went to bed on base. She let out another sob, imagining how hurt and confused he would be when he didn’t get one tonight. She imagined him staying up later and later, waiting for it to arrive, then finally accepting that it wasn’t coming. But she couldn’t send one now. He would hear it in her voice that something was wrong and try to fix it. He was stubborn that way.

But she couldn’t let that happen. It would be better to fade out gradually, to make it seem like she was so busy she didn’t have time for him anymore. Maybe she could send a comm tomorrow, to keep up pretenses, but not tonight.

As the transmission ended a second time, she reached out to power the comm unit down. She crawled into her bed, barely pausing to kick off her boots, and held herself as she felt the sobs start again. It was some time later before she slipped into sleep.

 

 

The next morning, when Rey woke, it took her a few moments to register the bright sunlight streaming through her window. When she did, she bolted upright. Every day, she woke just after the sun rose. It was like clockwork. But she had no doubt it was at least midmorning now.

She leapt out of bed, scrambling to put on her clothes, and rushed out of the door. Master Luke was sitting on the stone steps, drinking from his wooden bowl. She ran up to him and bowed deeply.

“Master Luke, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to oversleep, usually I – I’m not sure what happened – I – I –”

“Rey,” he said gently, “there is no need to apologize. I would have woken you if I wanted to. I thought you needed the sleep. You were very troubled last night.” He looked down, chagrined. “Forgive me, I didn’t mean to pry. Your emotions were very ... intense.”

Rey didn’t know what to say. Perhaps she should admit to him that she found the Jedi Code. But she didn’t think she could do so without crying again, and she didn’t want to seem so openly weak in front of her mentor. She pressed her lips together and nodded instead.

Luke sighed, but didn’t press any further, for which she was grateful. “Let’s see if we can’t catch up our schedule,” he said, and she followed him to the flat space at the apex of the island where they spend the majority of their days.

She tried to keep up, to respond with her normal enthusiasm as they ran through their regular exercises, but she felt lethargic and distracted. She dragged, and she knew Master Luke could see it.

He let her go earlier than normal, saying he was in the mood for a longer walk today, but she could tell he was lying. She went back to her room and lay down on her bed, just staring at the rough stone ceiling. After what felt like only minutes, she heard the chirp of a transmission coming in on her comm unit. She looked out the window, where the sun had sunk considerably lower towards the horizon. Blearily, she rubbed her eyes and approached her chair in front of the comm unit. Once she was seated, though, she couldn’t make herself start the transmission.

Maybe it would be better to just cut off all her communication right now. It might be easier for everyone. A clean break, she’d heard people say.

The thought made her chest ache.

She had to admit to herself, she wanted to hear his voice again. She wanted to know what he was doing in his life, even if she couldn’t give him the same. She was selfish, so selfish.

She turned on the comm.

“ _Hi, Rey!_ ” he started out, just as always, but she could hear the tension in his voice. “ _Um, I missed your comm last night. Is everything okay? Are you having technical problems with your unit? Although, if you are, you probably won’t be able to respond tonight either, will you?_ ” Finn’s voice moved a little farther away. “ _Maybe she’s not even receiving them at all, Poe. What do we do?_ ”

Rey could just hear Poe’s response. “ _Breathe, buddy. We’ll figure it out. Keep going with your message, just in case._ ”

Finn breathed heavily into the recorder. Rey felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes, but didn’t let them fall.

“ _Okay, um, I was going to tell you about what Poe and I did today!_ ” he said, his usual chipper tone returning. “ _You won’t believe it, they let me go off-base and we got to go to the beach! Poe says it’s not a real beach, since it was only at a lake, but still, it had sand, and I went in the water, and we ate a picnic lunch! It was so much fun, Rey, I wish you could’ve been there._ ”

Poe piped up from the background. “ _You would’ve loved it, Rey. I just know it._ ”

Rey allowed herself a smile, even as her tears slipped from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. She cried quietly throughout the rest of the transmission as Finn and Poe described their trip in greater detail, and quickly shut it off before it could play again.

She blew a sharp breath before reaching for her record button.

“Hi, Finn!” She was proud to hear that her voice was almost entirely steady. “And Poe too, if you’re there! I’m really sorry I couldn’t send you a comm yesterday. I had a really tiring day, and I fell asleep before I even got your transmission! I listened to it today, though; don’t worry. It sounds like things have been pretty exciting for you lately!” Rey talked for a few minutes, laughing at some of the stories she had just heard. It hurt her to put on a façade like this, but she had to do it for Finn’s sake. And maybe there was a way she could still help him be happy.

“Listen, Finn, I want to say something to you in private. Poe, if you’re there, do you mind leaving for a minute? I’ll make sure Finn lets you back in when I’m done.” She paused for a moment to give hypothetical Poe time to leave the room. “All right, I hope he’s gone, because I’m going to start talking now. Finn, you and Poe, you’re really great together. And I think you know it. I’m pretty sure if you two had made it official, you would have blabbed to me right away, you big chatterbox, but if you haven’t, I really think you guys should. It’s obvious that he makes you happy, and I think you make him happy, too. I mean, he agreed to send me comms about you every day while you were still in the medbay, right?” Rey forced herself to laugh. “But honestly, you should really get together. You two were made for each other.” She closed her eyes, giving herself a second to breathe.

“Um, okay, you can let him back in now. I want to tell you guys about this huge _thing_ I saw in the ocean yesterday.” Rey chattered for a while longer, slipping far too easily back into her normal routine, before signing off. After typing in the base’s coordinates and sending the transmission out, she slumped back, her head in her hands. She wanted to cry again, but she was so tired. She hoped that she could stay strong enough to save Finn from herself.

She crawled back into her bed, praying for sleep, but it wasn’t until the planet’s huge silver moon was high overhead that she managed to fall unconscious.

 

 

The next week was one of the hardest Rey had ever experienced. She knew that she wasn’t getting nearly enough sleep; Master Luke had to come into her room almost every morning to wake her up. Her focus during training just wasn’t there. Much to Master Luke’s frustration, she became distracted increasingly frequently, getting lost in her own head when she should have been present in the moment. Rey’s stomach was knotted with guilt, but nothing she did made any difference. All she could think about, all she wanted to do, was lie on her bed and wait for Finn’s next transmission.

But even as she longed for them, they ate her up inside. She wouldn’t respond for days at a time, and had to listen to Finn’s messages become increasingly worried before she would send back a half-baked excuse and some placating stories of her training.

Her heart twisted every time Finn said, “I miss you” or fretted about whether his comms were reaching her. Even Poe seemed concerned about her.

“ _I hope you’re okay, Rey,_ ” he said. “ _Finn loves to hear from you, and – and I do too. We know you have to be busy with your training, but we really hope you can make a little bit of time for us, too._ ”

Every day, Rey felt herself falling farther into lethargy, and she couldn’t manage to shake herself out of it. Finally, Master Luke seemed to have had enough.

They were sitting together outside of their dwellings, eating a fish stew for lunch. Or at least, Luke was eating. Rey was more just swirling her stew around in her bowl.

Master Luke sighed and put his hand on the wrist of the hand that held her spoon, stilling her motions. “Rey. Will you tell me what’s wrong? I can see something is the matter.”

Rey blinked up at him. How could she tell him about the Code now, when she was so obviously failing his test? She hadn’t been able to remove her attachment to Finn, and, if anything, her attachment to Poe seemed to be growing stronger. He would never let her be a Jedi if he knew.

His grip tightened slightly on her wrist. “You’re floundering, Rey, even when we were making so much progress. I know you’re unhappy. Will you tell me why?”

To her horror, Rey felt a tear slip down her cheek. She looked fearfully at her mentor.

“Let me help you,” Luke pleaded.

Rey struggled to hold in her tears. “It’s your test, Master Luke. I’m not – I’m not strong enough.”

“My test?” His forehead wrinkled in confusion. “What test?”

“The Jedi Code, Master.” She dashed another tear off her cheek. “I found it, and I’m trying, but I-I can’t live by it. I’m so sorry. I can’t make myself shut out my love.”

Rey felt feelings of sadness, dismay, and sympathy swirl through her, pushed to her by Luke through the Force. She was surprised to find his expression gentle.

“Dear one, I should be the one apologizing. I never meant for you to read that book. The ideas are ... archaic, to say the least. They don’t have any place in what I intended to teach.” He stood and extended his hand to Rey. “Let me show you something.”

She grasped his hand, letting him help her to her feet. He kept hold of it, leading her to his own room. When they were both inside, he reached up for the stack of leather folders, sliding the second one out of the pile. He withdrew a flimsiplast pamphlet, punched through at the edge with thin durasteel prongs, and held it out to Rey. The first page read, “ _The New Jedi Order_.”

Rey looked up at her mentor. He gestured for her to turn the page.

“ _This is the mantra of the New Order:_

_Jedi are the guardians of peace in the Galaxy._

_Jedi use their powers to defend and protect, never to attack others._

_Jedi respect all life, in any form._

_Jedi serve others rather than rule over them, for the good of the Galaxy._

_Jedi seek to improve themselves through knowledge and training._ ”

Master Luke gently tapped the page.

“Do you see?” he said. “There’s nothing about attachment in there, nothing about dangerous passions. I wrote this when I reestablished the Order and set out to train our next generation. I know that love, in one form or another, is essential to living beings. There’s nothing that can make those feelings go away. And saying that a Jedi shouldn’t feel love only leads to disaster. My father taught me that.”

Rey couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. “But, Master Luke, what about you a—and Ben?”

He looked saddened, but his face was still kind. “You think that our familial ties are what led to his betrayal? No, my dear. That was Snoke, and the seduction of Snoke’s power. That could not have been stopped.”

“You mean the Code wasn’t a test?”

“No.” Rey sank onto the bed, and he followed. “Rey, you are free to love whomever you choose. That doesn’t make you any less of a Jedi. The only thing that determines that is how you use your power, and I’ve seen you use it admirably.”

Rey could feel more tears falling down her cheeks, but this time, she didn’t bother to wipe them away. She took Luke’s hands in hers and pressed them, unable to speak.

“I have an idea,” he said, smiling brightly. “I’d say it’s about time to go home, wouldn’t you?”

She couldn’t help but gape for a moment. “You mean...?”

“Yes. Send a comm to your friends and Chewie. I need to see my sister.”

Rey leapt up, squeezing Master Luke’s hands even harder.

“Thank you! Thank you, Master Luke!”

She raced to her comm unit as fast as she could, slapping on the record button.

“Finn! Poe! I’m coming home! As soon as Chewie can come get us, I’ll be there. I know things have been confusing lately, and I promise I’ll explain when I get the chance. I just can’t wait to see you!”

She quickly sent her message, then put out the beacon that she and Chewie had agreed on before he had left. As she waited for a reply, she began to pack, trying to still her hands on her folded clothes. It was all she could do not to stuff them haphazard into her satchel.

Finally, her comm unit pinged with a responding beacon from Chewie. Rey’s heart almost beat out of her chest. She was being given a chance to make things right with Finn, and with Poe too. She hoped that they would receive her comm before she got back and know she was returning. She hoped that they would be happy to see her.

She sat down on her bed. What if they hated her for what she had done? What if they had moved on?

But no, in their latest transmission, they had still seemed concerned for her. They still asked if she was all right. They had to still care for her.

Rey buried her face in her hands. She didn’t know what to think anymore. All she knew was that she cared for both Finn and Poe, deeply. She could only pray that they cared for her as well.

She got up carefully to go tell Master Luke that Chewie was coming to get them, then went to wait for the _Falcon_ to appear. She knew it would take hours; the trip from D’Qar here hadn’t been easy. But she was restless, anxious, and she didn’t know what else to do.

Perched on the edge of a cliff overlooking the place she and Chewie had first landed, she drew on all of her training, trying to settle her emotions through meditation. She breathed evenly and purposefully, gently clearing her mind with a practiced hand. What was done was done; there was no changing it. All that was left was to look forward.

When she next opened her eyes, the sun had sunk halfway back to the horizon. She could hear a faint rumble at the edge of her senses, and she scrambled to her feet, looking up into the sky. When she saw it, she let out a shout for Master Luke. The _Millennium Falcon_ was coming towards their island through the atmosphere, slowing every second. Rey waved furiously to Chewie in the cockpit as he made his landing and thought she could hear his returning roar.

She ran back up to the stone dwellings, almost smacking into Master Luke as he came out of his door.

“Are you ready, Master?” she asked breathlessly.

“I will be if you can get Chewie to lug my clothes to the ship for me,” he replied, the corners of his eyes crinkling. Rey laughed, then ran back to hail Chewie.

Soon enough, they were all settled onto the _Falcon_ , with Rey in the cockpit as copilot, and Luke in the lounge, catching up with R2-D2. Rey had heard the excited beeps as the droid’s old master had approached, and Luke’s warm reply, “R2, my old friend. I’ve missed you.” She felt her grin spreading from ear to ear as she turned to her Wookie companion. Chewie rumbled happily, and the two easily maneuvered their ship back into open space.

Rey delighted in the feeling of flying once again, even when their path took them through some dangerous areas of the galaxy. She tried to cut as many corners as she could without putting the ship or her mentor in jeopardy, which set Chewie to vehement complaining. She laughed, happy with the comparisons to the _Falcon_ ’s last copilot.

Then, at last, the Ileenium system came into view. Rey gulped a few steadying breaths as they made their way towards D’Qar and the Resistance base. As they entered the atmosphere, she could tell it was sunset on the surface. There was a large crowd gathered out on the airfield, and as she and Chewie settled the _Falcon_ into a gentle landing, she could sense the mass pressing forward, eager to greet them. Her stomach swooped.

She met Master Luke and R2 at the entry ramp, her hand hovering over the switch to lower it.

Luke smiled knowingly. “Go on,” he encouraged.

Taking a deep breath, she flipped the switch, and the ramp began to descend towards the tarmac. She heard a happy shout go up from the assembled crowd. Luke’s smile grew wider, and made his way down the ramp with R2 at his heels. Rey followed hesitantly behind, wanting to see what was going on but almost wishing she could stay on the ship.

As Master Luke stepped off the ramp, a figure broke from the front of the crowd, running towards him with arms outstretched. He hurried forward, meeting his sister halfway and catching her in an embrace. The two hugged for a long minute as the rest of the onlookers applauded. Rey smiled and took another step down the entry ramp.

“Rey!”

“Rey!”

Twin shouts echoed up from the crowd as two more figures separated themselves from the mass. Rey’s heart beat into her throat. Her feet took off of their own volition, carrying her towards her two friends.

Finn crashed into her hard enough to pick her up off the ground, and he spun her around once before setting her back down, his arms still tight around her. Poe came up from behind him and wrapped his arms around them both, smiling profusely.

“You’re here. You’re here,” Finn breathed against her neck, his voice so relieved it felt like the air had been sucked from her lungs.

“I’m here,” she whispered back. She turned her face towards Poe. “I’m here.”

She saw his smile grow, and felt Finn nuzzle further into her neck. Extracting her arms from Finn’s hold, she pulled both men tighter to her, taking comfort from their warmth.

Now she had no doubt. They both cared for her. Deeply.

**Author's Note:**

> Both of the mantra's used here are canon in the Star Wars universe. I couldn't find any canonical text for the actual Code, though, so the few lines that Rey reads were invented by me.
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> EDIT: this fic now has a sequel!
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> [My tumblr](http://danieljaehobae.tumblr.com)


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